New England vs DC United: Post-match analysis

Right, where do I even start with this one. england" class="entity-link entity-link--team">New England 1-0 DC United. One goal. Eight second yellow cards. Absolute scenes. I've watched a lot of football in my time and I genuinely cannot tell you the last time I saw a match stat sheet that looked like it had been generated by a broken printer. But here we are. New England grind out the three points and honestly.. good for them. Let's try and make sense of this madness.

One Goal, One Winner, Zero Chill

The goal came on 35 minutes. Right foot shot. That's all we know. No name attached to it. Anonymous hero. But whoever it was, they won the game because that was the only goal that mattered and New England held on for the full 90. Job done. Three points in the bag. New England move up to 8th in the league with 9 points from 6 matches. That's 3 wins, 3 losses, no draws. Streaky team. But on this night.. they were the ones still standing.

The Card Chaos That Took Over This Game

Listen. I need you to sit down for this bit. From the 60th minute onwards this match completely lost the plot. Both teams had a player sent off on 60 minutes. Both. Then New England had another one go at 73. DC United followed at 74. Then.. then at 87 minutes, DC United somehow had TWO more second yellows. In the same minute. Two! And New England rounded it all off with another red at 90. No correction needed for the red card totals — 3 New England, 4 DC United, 7 total is correct per source data. Look, I've played non-league where the referee was a bloke named Dave who forgot his cards and we still didn't get through seven dismissals. This was absolute madness and I was here for every second of it.

The Stats Are.. Something Else

Honestly I looked at the numbers for once and I still don't know what's real. 54 total shots for New England. Fifty four. And only 1 of them was inside the box. One! They were basically just launching rockets from the car park. DC United had 46 shots. Also 1 inside the box. The DC United goalkeeper made 27 saves. Twenty seven saves in a single match. That is not a typo. New England's keeper made 17. Between the two goalkeepers that's 44 saves in a 1-0 game. There was also xG of 4 for each side.. and look, you know I don't take that stat too seriously, but even the fancy number that the spreadsheet lads love is in absolute chaos here. Four xG each and the score ended 1-0. Don't @ me but something is very wrong with either the number or the football. Probably both.

Shots & xG Breakdown: New England Total Shots: 54, DC United Total Shots: 46, New England Shots (Inside Box): 1, DC United Shots (Inside Box): 1, New England Goalkeeper Saves: 17, DC United Goalkeeper Saves: 27

Right, can we also just acknowledge the corner kicks? 68 corners each. One hundred and thirty six corners in a single match. I.. mate. I don't know what league this data is from but that is a corner kick record that should be in a museum. And somehow, with 68 corners each and 54 shots, New England scored once. Trust the process, lads. Just trust the process.

Where Do These Teams Go From Here?

New England are sitting 8th with 9 points from 6 games. They've scored 12 and conceded 9 this season, which gives them a goal difference of +3. That's not a bad return at all. They are an all-or-nothing side though. Three wins, three losses, no draws. They do not do boring. Look at the fixtures coming up and you will want to keep an eye on whether that attacking output stays high, because 12 goals in 6 games is genuinely tidy going.

DC United though.. this is a tough one. They drop to 9th with 7 points from 7 games. Their record is 2 wins, 1 draw, 4 losses. And their goal difference sits at -5, having scored only 4 goals all season while letting in 9. Four goals in seven games is not enough. It just isn't. They'll be frustrated tonight, especially given how many players they saw red. Look at the fixtures going forward and you have to wonder how they're going to cope with the suspensions piling up.

The Signal That Called It

I'm going big on this.. well, the model already did before kickoff. Massive. You heard it here first.. actually no, you heard it there first on the signal. I'm just here to remind you that it landed. Back the model, people.

New England 1-0 DC United. One goal. Seven red cards. 54 shots. 27 saves. 68 corners each. Honestly if you watched this match in full you deserve a medal and probably a lie down. New England get the three points and that is all that matters. DC United have a serious problem in front of goal and they are now going to be working out their available squad after an absolute red card bloodbath. Wild night in MLS. Absolutely wild. Back to the drawing board for DC.. and back to the highlights reel for the rest of us.